theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
