We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
