Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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