Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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