Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Regardless thnx for trying to help out, I realize we are dealing w/ very stupid girls here
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
