Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
