she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Randomize
