I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
