this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
