What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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