watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
