she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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