you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
