I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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