took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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