When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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