She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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