Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
