I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
