I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
