if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
