I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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