I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
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