your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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