i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Randomize
