I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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