In the future we'll all be gay
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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