I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
