Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
