my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
