So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
