And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
