she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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