Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Randomize
