How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
