Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Randomize
