I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I faked an abortion last night.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
