I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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