My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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