I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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