If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
