Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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