Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Randomize
