It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
