evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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