I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
