She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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