Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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