If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
