Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
