I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
