Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
