Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Randomize
