Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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